Breaking Patterns: You Are Not Your Past, But You Are Responsible for Your Healing
I used to think my past was the whole story about me.
Every bad choice, every heartbreak, every mistake felt like it was written in stone. Like it was a permanent reminder, “This is who you are — take it or leave it.”
Because of that, I stayed stuck for a long time. I’d catch myself saying things like, “This is just how I am,” or “I’ve been through way too much for things to ever change now.” I thought if I owned my mess, then I was just being real. But really, I was just using my past like a shield to avoid growth or facing the hard work of change.
One day, something happened that almost took my life. It was a traumatic experience — the kind that shakes you to your core and makes everything feel like it could all be over in an instant.
I woke up after that day with this heavy, sinking feeling: I wasn’t really healing. I was just covering up the pain, pretending it wasn’t there.
And in that moment — raw, scared, and real — it hit me. I couldn’t keep letting my past define me. I couldn’t keep hiding behind my history as an excuse for not moving forward.
It was time to stop masking my pain and start doing the real work of healing. Not for anyone else — but for me.
The Excuse I Hid Behind for So Long
I gotta be honest — for a long time, I thought my pain was my get out of jail free card.
I thought because I’d been through hell, I could act however I wanted. Blow up relationships? Sure. Avoid uncomfortable conversations? Why not? Sabotage opportunities? Absolutely. And then when things fell apart, I’d point back to my history like it was a hall pass that excused all my behavior.
“If you went through what I went through, you’d understand why I act this way.”
Maybe that’s true. But the problem with that mindset is it keeps me locked in place. Like I am chained to my past.
I was standing on the platform, watching the train to a better future roll by, but I refused to get on. I was too busy telling everyone about the wreck I’d survived — like that story was enough to justify me staying stuck.
The Moment I Had to Face Myself
There was this one day — I was deep in a spiral, replaying the same old hurt over and over, the same doubts and anger swirling around in my head.
And suddenly it hit me:
No one was coming to fix this for me.
No one was going to show up with a magic wand to heal the pain just because I thought I deserved it.
My past? That’s not my fault. But my healing? That’s on me. No one else can do it.
If I kept dragging those old wounds around, they were going to spill out and ruin my present and my future.
That was the moment I had to stop running from responsibility — painful as it was.
How I’m Starting to Break Free — The Real Work
Healing isn’t happening overnight. Honestly, it’s still messy, frustrating, and a daily grind.
This is all pretty recent for me — I’m still right in the middle of it. Some days feel like progress, and other days I feel like I’m back at square one.
But even with all the ups and downs, I’ve made some promises to myself that I keep coming back to:
Stop reopening old wounds just to feel justified.
Whenever I catch myself dragging up the past to explain or excuse my behavior, I pause and ask, “Is this helping me heal, or is it just keeping me stuck?” It’s not easy, but I’m learning to catch myself before I spiral.Create new reactions — new ways to respond to people and life.
Old me would react out of fear or defense — snapping, shutting down, or pushing people away. Now, I’m trying to respond from a place of strength and growth, even when it’s uncomfortable.Hold myself accountable without drowning in shame.
I’m learning that slipping up doesn’t mean I’m failing. I’m human. When I mess up, I own it, learn from it, and move on — without spiraling into self-hate.
I’m still working on all of this every day. Healing isn’t linear, and I’m learning to be patient and kind with myself through it all.
Owning the Responsibility — It’s Scary But Powerful
Taking full responsibility for my healing felt like stepping off a cliff sometimes.
It’s terrifying realizing no one else can do the hard work for you.
No matter how much you want someone to fix your pain or wave a magic wand, it’s on you.
But the flip side? It’s the most freeing thing ever.
If healing is my responsibility, then I get to do it my way. I get to set my own pace. I get to decide what growth looks like for me.
No one else controls my story. I do.
Turning Your Mess Into Your Masterpiece
Healing isn’t about erasing your past like it never happened.
It’s about taking the messy, painful stuff and using it — as raw material — to build something better.
At first, I saw my past as chains, trapping me.
Now? I see it as the foundation.
A messy, broken, painful foundation — but mine.
And bit by bit, I’m rebuilding.
Changing my story from “I’m stuck in this mess” to “I’m crafting a masterpiece from it.”
You’re not your past.
But you are the one who holds the power to turn your mess into your masterpiece.
Your Turn: What Promises Will You Make to Yourself?
Healing is personal — and it looks different for everyone.
Take a moment right now and think about what promises you can make to yourself to start or keep moving forward.
What are the things you need to stop doing? What new ways of reacting do you want to build? How can you hold yourself accountable with kindness instead of shame?
Write down your own three promises to yourself — your real, honest commitments to your healing.
Because you are not your past, but you are responsible for your own healing journey.
And that power? It’s already in your hands.