Who Am I Now? (Still Figuring It Out)

I’ve spent more nights than I can count asking myself this question.

Who am I now?

Honestly? Most days, I still don’t have the answer.
The life I was building was all I knew. I poured everything into it—my energy, my hope, my identity. When it fell apart, it felt like the ground opened up and swallowed everything I thought I was. Suddenly, all the things that used to make sense just… didn’t.

I spent years living for everyone else.
Trying to be the person I thought I was supposed to be.
Trying to fit in, keep the peace, make everyone happy—even if it meant losing pieces of myself along the way. I got really good at putting on a brave face, at swallowing my own needs, at convincing myself that if I just kept giving, eventually I’d feel whole, be appreciated, and get the same in return.

But the truth?
When everything crumbled, I was left with a blank space.
No more labels. No more roles to hide behind. Just me—and a mess I didn’t know how to clean up.

The hardest part?
Learning to hear my own voice again.
For so long, I let the world drown it out. I forgot what I wanted, what I liked, what I even believed in. I had to start from scratch, asking myself questions I’d never really faced:
What do I want?
What matters to me?
Who am I, really, when nobody else is watching?

It hasn’t been pretty.
I’ve made mistakes—plenty of them. I’ve stumbled, taken wrong turns, fallen flat on my face more times than I want to admit. There are days when I still feel lost, when I wonder if I’ll ever figure it out.

But here’s what I know:
I will never stop trying to find my purpose.
I will never stop searching for what I truly want for me—not for anyone else.

If you’re in this messy middle too, I want you to know you’re not alone.
You don’t have to have it all figured out.
You don’t have to be polished or perfect or even certain.
You just have to keep showing up for yourself—even when it feels uncomfortable, even when you’re still searching.

It’s okay to not know.
It’s okay to be a work in progress.
It’s okay to start over, again and again, until something feels true.

So tonight, if you’re staring at the ceiling, wondering who you are now—write it down.
What parts of yourself have you lost or ignored?
What new pieces are you starting to discover?
Give yourself permission to be unfinished. To be curious. To change your mind.
Because sometimes, the bravest thing you can do is keep looking for yourself, even when everything feels uncertain.

We don’t have to be finished to be worthy.

— julia